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Saturday, November 22nd, 2003
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Well I guess nobodies really writing in these things anymore. That's okay. I like writing in my personal journal and writing in my story a bit better than writing in this anyway. I think I'm becoming socially outcast, because I'm having trouble communicating with anyone of my friends. It's kinda weird. Oh well. Anyway, no more complaining. I had a good thanksgiving, it was awesome. I realized how thankful I really am for my family. I was near tears at one point in the evening.
...
Okay, moving on from the bullshit...
Not much else to say. Ich habe...Ich habe...nothing. Ich bin...nothing. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.....
Done.
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Wow, not much has happened within the past couple of weeks. By not much, I mean a whole lot of boredom. I guess cause I have gone to school...4 days? Sorta. Really 3 days. 2 complete days and 2 half days. Kind of sad and pathetic, eh? Kind of...irresponsible? Kind of, immature? But most of all not very smart. If I was smart I'd realize how not-smart I am by not going to school, and I would go to school, right? Right.
It's not cause I don't like learning. I love learning. Especially about history. I love learning about events that lead to the way our world is today, even if it happened thousands of years ago. No, the problem lies not in the lack of enthusiam for learning, it lies in the fact that I dislike busy-work to the max. To the extreme. And I view all homework as busy-work. The only homework I don't view as busy-work is reading and note-taking, maybe researching too. Tests are easy. Tests and essays, for me, are the easiest thing I've ever had to do. There has not been a single test or essay that I have taken/written that I have not gotten an A on. Well...maybe a few times a B or C if I was feeling uber lazy at the time. So yeah, that's me and the reason why I don't like school. If you think about it, considering all the school I miss, and that I don't do any homework, you can figure (depending on any particular class) that I'm getting about a 45 % in all of my classes. Fun times.
I guess I'm lazy. Well, no, I don't think I'm lazy. In a physical sense, at least. Some may think I'm lazy, but I have decided I'm not. Here are my arguments:
1. I love sleep. That doesn't mean I'm lazy. The reason why I love sleep is because I never, ever get enough of it due to a recently discovered medical condition. So if I spent the night at your house, and we went to sleep at the same time, and woke up at the same time, and you got say, around 6 hours of restful sleep, I got maybe 2. Suxxors, eh?
2. I love exercise. No, you don't understand, I love it. Exerting myself any way physically is one of the only forms of work I truly enjoy. I discovered I love exercise around early eighth grade. That's how I lost so much weight (55 pounds total I had lost by the end of 9th grade) even though I ate more (increased metabolism) crap and everything. So, why did I stop exercising, you ask? Well, because even though I love exertion, I don't like pain. My back started bothering me in just about every exercise I did around mid 10th grade, and even walking distances around the end of 10th grade. And so I've gained back all the weight I worked so hard to lose. :( Sad, eh? It never ceases to bother me.
So those are my arguements, and bit of complaining as well. But I fully admit to being lazy, mentally. Having to think about things really is bothersome. I'm completely serious. I know it's bad, but it's true. It stresses me out to have to think on something too difficult for too long. So I prefer to not have to problem-solve, cause when it comes down it, it's a tad pointless and unneccesary survival wise, in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word. And as well I concede that even hunter-gatherers had to problem solve, but not to the extent of solving an algebraic equation.
So, I present to you, something that requires no thought at all.
"Galstaff, you have entered the door to the north, you are now by yourself, standing in a dark room. The punguent stench of mildew emminates from the wet dungeon walls."
"Where're the cheetos?"
"They're right next to you."
"I cast a spell."
"Where's the Mountain Dew?"
"In the fridge, duh."
"I wanna cast a spell!"
"Can I have a Mountain Dew?"
"Yes, you can have a Moutain Dew, just go get it!"
"I can cast any of these, right? On the list"
"Yes, any of the first level ones." <----- Huh, huh? Evin? FIRST LEVEL SPELLS?!?!? Not second level, right? IT'S FIRST LEVEL.
I could go on but I'm bored. Anyway, I'm outta here. Laterz.
Oh wait....one last line...
"I...I'm attacking the darkness!"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
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Thursday, November 13th, 2003
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Goodmorning EVERYONE! HAPPY MORNING! Wow what a wonderful new day. You know the past couple of days I've felt really depressed but this morning I feel good. I actually got up in time to be on the computer for a few minutes! EXCITING! ... But I'm really tired so I'm gonna keep this short.
I've started a better journal, one that is less public. As in, a private journal. I know it's not that much of a new, inventive idea, so I'm sorry if I seem sarcastic. I've tried started journals thousands of times before, but not quite like this. I'm excited for it. So yeah, this "blog" will now only be used for what I usually use it for anyway: preaching about how stupid you people are, how right I am, and how you should all live like me. YAY! What new, hopeful, exciting times we live in!
I'm going to see Micheala today. I'm so happy, I haven't seen her since Friday due to RETARDED circumstances. I'm so excited I could die.
So yeah, I have to go get more ready for school now. Enjoy your day everyone, I know I will!
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Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
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I have a SATELITE PHONE. WHOA. Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. How many people you know got one? Huh? Huh? Yeah, I'm better than you cause I have one! Oh Yeah! I'm God and your dirt cause I have a Satelite phone and YOU DONT.
That's what I'd sound like if I was an asshole.
My dad just bought me this cool new cell phone. Well, technically it's not a cell phone, it's actually a sat phone. Sat of course short for Satelite (I'm all down with the new-age lingo, you see) and it's pretty cool. It's basically the same as a cell phone looks-wise, but it supposedly has better reception. I don't know. So far so good. I wanted a flip phone, but instead I got an updated version of those older crappy-lookin Nokia phones. It's not so crappy lookin and it's pretty cool, but I still wanted a flip/camera phone. Oh well. I'm gonna have to get used to saying "sat phone". Maybe that will bother people. Maybe people won't care. I dunno. Anyway you can tell I'm excited.
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Monday, November 10th, 2003
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| Time: | 8:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. | | Music: | "How Soon Is Now?" - Snake River Conspiracy. |
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I just don't understand anything. I wish I did. I would like to think I could hold the knowledge of a thousand universes within my mind. But I can't. I can't even understand high school drama and the stresses of being a teenager. How sad and pathetic. I wish I could have done more this weekend.
"There's a club if you like to go
you could meet somebody
who really loves you
so you go and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home and you cry and you want to die"
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Saturday, November 8th, 2003
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| Subject: | HORNY |
| Time: | 10:22 pm. |
| Mood: |  horny. | | Music: | Link Park - "with you". |
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damn i'm horny tonight. seriously. i'm sorry if this is offensive, but i seriously would screw a trashcan if i didn't have a girlfriend. jeebus. why why why? so yeah. that's pretty much all that's on my mind. sex. sex. a whole lot of sex. yup. i'm sorry for the lack of any kind of substance in this entry, but there really isn't a whole of substance to being horny other than a whole lot of sex. and i think you wouldn't exactly like mt to go into detail about who and what i'd like to do. so yeah. just though you might like to know what's goin on in my mind...somewhat, anyway. :) later
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In addition to my last post. I'd like to comment that I don't like being angry at people. Mainly because I always feel that I'm right and I always try and calm myself down.
That's what I don't like about it. I always feel guilty and try and calm myself down. I hate feeling guilty for being angry.
I'd like to get really fucking pissed off, like I am now, for the smallest reason that no one cares about at all, like now, and just freak out and feel totally justified without any remorse at all. Please? Can I just once? Even if it means going insane for a day or so, maybe being committed. I'll do it.
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Mean people suck. Yes, they suck a lot. No, mean people don't suck a little, they suck a lot. I don't think a lot of us not-so-mean-people understand this. When a person is a dick or bitch all the time, it's not okay to just shrug it off if they are a good friend or funny or fun to be around. It's really not. You may think it is, and tell yourself, "Okay, that was really mean. Oh well, they're a good friend, or it's okay cause they're funny, or it's okay cause they're cool, or it's okay cause they're fun."
I think it's a matter of respect and overtolerance. People don't respect one another, or you either can't tell the difference between a great deal of respect and lack of respect. If I don't respect someone (and a lot of times it's cause they're mean) then I'm not going to be friendly to that person. I'm sorry, you have to earn my respect and if you're a dick or bitch to me...well, that's not exactly a good way to make it on to my top ten list of people I respect. I value respect very highly. It really is a big thing to me. People's choices are big things to me. If you make fun of someone, or say something that is really mean, or you beat up on people, the chances are I will lose a little bit of respect for you. Maybe a lot, depending on the severity. No, my respect is not gone forever, but you can earn it back if you want. How do you earn it back, you ask? By not being a dick/bitch next time. That simple. If you continue to be a dick/bitch, chances are I'll lose most of if not all of my respect for you.
With the overtolerance I think it's really a matter of wanting to be accepted. You really think this person is cool or funny and you want them to think you're cool or funny so you ignore it when they're a dick/bitch sometimes. That simple. This is a general statement that extends to all types of social situations. I think you can use your imagination.
I'd just like to say I lost the last bit of a respect for a friend tonight. I won't say who, because I won't dignify that person with a name. I will say this though, if you value you my friendship, then earn my respect back. If you can't do that, then I guess I don't deserve you. I think that's the nicest way to put it.
Finished with the tolerance of assholes/dumbasses.
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Sunday, November 2nd, 2003
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I've been thinking about Micheala all day. :) She's... wow. I like her so much. She makes me so happy I can't even describe it. I'm writing about this now because I realized I haven't really written about her before. There's not a whole lot to say, but I'll say it.
Like I said, she makes me really happy. She's smiling all the time and every time I see her I smile too. I can tell her that I love her without it being awkward and she can tell me she loves me without it being awkward. I don't have to spend hours talking to her on the phone because she know's I'm not a phone person. We spend hours talking in person instead. I wish I could take her on more dates than I do. She deserves yacht rides around the sound with five star meals, and all I can give her is a movie and then a walk to Subway or McDonalds. I wish I had more money, I'd buy her everything she wanted and more.
She's so shy and submissive. It's cute, sometimes, other times it's hard to get her to make even the most simple decisions. Like what she wants to eat. But I'm training her to decide, heh, and I think we've got deciding what she wants to eat and drink down pretty good. But any other decision, like where to go to hang out or what to do or anything still has to be decided by me. Oh well. ;)
She's so cuddly. We both love to cuddle and we're both very touchy-feely. A lot of the time we just nap together in eachother's arms. It kinda sucked though, I woke up one time and I had drooled all over her shirt. ;)
She's a big tease... but that's about as far as I'm gonna go with that 'physical' part of our relationship. ;)
Anyway, yeah. All my friends seem to like her, she's so nice. She means a lot to me, and I mean a lot to her. I'm glad we're together. :)
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Saturday, November 1st, 2003
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boredom. there's not much to do for me, this saturday night. for some reason my weekends have been really boring lately. i always worry to much, but i fear that i am turning anti-social or something. that's not cool, cause being social is fun.
i didn't go to the 'party' last night. i'm really not even sure who's house it was at. all i know is that evin really wanted me to go, a lot of people were going, and dave would go but he's grounded. i dunno, i gues some people have different social tastes. i don't like huge amount of people around me, because it just seems obnoxious, chaotic even. but then again i guess i also understand how people might like that. maybe the don't feel so alone when there are a lot of people around them.
maybe i just need something different, socially. maybe for me it's more of connecting with a few people very strongly than just being in a huge crowd. i guess everyone likes that, but i guess i just like it more, and being around large crowds less. where's the cut off point, you ask? i guess 'birthday party' size. for me that's 20, 25, maybe thirty people. no more than that. more than that and it's just obnoxious, for me, anyway. i usually get a headache (cause of the loud music someone's blasting, all the people talking and being unable to make out what people are saying) and i get overheated and sick (i guess cause of the body heat and stress). i don't know, anyway, like i said, i get uncomfortable around too many people.
knowing the people at such a get together is a factor, but not so much of one as you might think. but the more people i know at this "shindig" the more people i feel comofortable around. but, then again, i would also be plenty comfortable around say, six people. one person i know really well and the other five people might as well be total strangers.
evin's always trying to convince me on how cool rave's are. i don't think i'd like them very much: obnoxiously loud music and dozens, maybe hundreds of people i don't know. that's just not for me. but, then again, i can understand how even though it's not my thing, it may be the preferred social situation for others.
so what, you ask, is my preferred social situation? the "shindig" where i would feel most comfortable? between five and ten people, excluding me, even as possible between the sexes, and i know 75 % of the people there. no more, no less. talking with new people is exciting and fun for me, just as long as i can really connect with them. i feel in huge crowds you aren't able to do that, at least in the way that i mean; sitting down and talking with them amongst others for hours on end.
so yeah. here's me, and what i've been thinking about today. i'm bored, and i need something to do.
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Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
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you ever have one of those days where you just wanna go to sleep forever?
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Monday, October 27th, 2003
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life is not simple. it's not orderly, it's not straight, it's not clean, it's not perfect. you can't expect to go through life not making mistakes, not experiencing new things, and listening to what everyone tells you. if you close yourself off, and if you are so concerned and careful about not making mistakes, you will miss out. mistakes help you learn, they allow you grow, they are the foundation upon which you base yourself. do you think you'd be the same, that the world would be the same if people never made mistakes? no, of course not. the world is bad now, but that is not because of mistakes. it is because some of us don't learn from what we've done wrong in the past.
and who are you to think you know the difference between right and wrong? right and wrong routes from society and religion. look where society and religion have led us to today. no, i'm sorry. look at where society and religion led us to a thousand years ago. not a fun time, 1000 A.D. in the midst of the dark ages, people were so concerned over right and wrong, of not making mistakes, that the oppression of themselves was total. not until they started to break away from that 'right and wrong' mentality, that religious idea that we must be perfect and can't make mistakes, that our society has taken the shape it has. and we still have a long, long way to go.
you should not listen to what people tell you. especially don't listen to the government, the media, or the soccer mom's. you know who you should listen to? yourself. experience things, and then judge what you've experienced. it's like bad gossip. you can't know the truth about someone until you've met them yourself.
if you don't want to listen to yourself, because you're a conformist and can't think for yourself (and no, i am NOT talking about the highschool stereotype of a 'conformist' either. most people under that stereotype are more unique leaders than you, the supposedly nonconforming outcast) then i suggest listening to philosophers. these people are professional thinkers. if you won't listen to philosophers, listen to scientists. that's the next best thing, but i've got my beef with science as well.
okay, so now i come down to what this rant is all about. there is a difference between self destruction and having fun for every person. what is self destructive for one might just be good old fashioned fun for another. for example. some people masturbate. some people masturbate because it feels good and they like to do it. they don't do it excessively, and they don't do it to compensate or to forget or for an escape. others, however, masturbate in a self destructive way. they do it excessively, they do it because they are looking for something to ease the pain of being rejected by the same, or opposite sex, other problems in life, etc. some do it because they have nothing better to do and are lonely souls. that is self destructive. *
it's called living life and enjoying yourself. yes, there are downsides to somethings. but let me ask you this. as you're reading this, how are you sitting? do you have correct posture? no? well, having bad posture is very damaging to your back, whether you realize it or not. why do you sit at the computer for so long - 20, 30 minutes, 1, 2 hours a day - with such horrible posture? cause being on the computer is fun? even though you know it's damaging to your spinal cord?
bad example, but you get my point. or do you?
ignorance is something i will not, and will never tolerate. ignorant people are the worst. an ignorant person is most likely a person who has closed their minds off from new ideas. some would argue i am ignorant. in some ways i am. some would argue i've closed my mind. in some ways i have. but i have left my mind open, so open that i am willing to experience new things, to be tolerant and have an open mind, to not judge. but most of all, i've left my mind open enough to the point where if i experience something that has something to do with what i've closed my mind to, i have the ability to wretch that part of my mind back open if need be.
fuck you.
* i've read dozens of articles about masturbation and sexuality, am an avid beleiver in the healthy practice and if there's one thing i feel most strongly about is people being healthy sexually.
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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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I've fallen. I've fallen into a darkness I haven't known in ages. This all-consuming, seemingly unescapable darkness. It's nothing more than a never ending cycle of self-loathing, self-pity and self-destruction. It's a vast, horrible sea of selfishness. Like speeding towards a cliff and suddenly losing the brakes, I saw it coming but at the last minute I wasn't able to stop myself from plunging head first. I honestly don't know how I got out of this ages ago.
I was happy without this. Now I can't be happy until I get rid of it. To those I care about deeply, I can only ask patience of them. Even then it's not expected.
How can a person live, feeling like this?
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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
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I got in a fight with Micheala. It's a long story, but to put it simply I got tired of her and Jessica making fun of me. I mean, I've had worse. Back in elementary school when I was really really fat I got made fun of all the time, so I've built up this hard, titanium-wall like resistance against people making fun of me, I guess. But for some reason...this strikes something sensitive. For some reason it really hurts when Micheala and her friends make fun of me. I know that they're just 'playin' or 'kidding' but sometimes I'm not so sure. Every day with them seems like pick on Alex day. So yeah. I know I shouldn't be so sensitive about it, but like I said, for some reason it strikes a nerve.
I'm sick, I think I have mono or something. I'm never not tired.
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Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
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| Subject: | No Subject |
| Time: | 3:21 pm. |
| Mood: |  thoughtful. | | Music: | The Verve - "Bittersweet Symphony". |
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I find it interesting that I usually enter the "subject" of my entry before I actually write the entry. Isn't that funny? Well, I mean, quite often I know what I'm going to write about before I start writing. For example, I may be pissed off or upset about something. Then the subject is pretty easy to come up with. But on the other hand, I enter a subject and halfway through writing my entry I realize that the subject doesn't describe the entry very well, so sometimes I change it and sometimes I don't change it. Hmm. Well, I heard that authors often don't come up with a name for their book until the book is finished. Because for all they know, they might be inspired to start writing somehting completely different halfway through. Some may say that the title helps guide people to write what they want. I suppose so, but a title is limiting, and it may not allow you do write about what you truly wish to write about. Even after you're finished writing, and you give your peice a title, people will assume things from the title even before reading your peice of writing. So, in a way, perhaps it is best to not have titles? For those of you who realized I was talking about something besides books before this sentence, I applaud you, even if I was being cliche.
What makes me happy? Well, a lot of things make me happy. What doesn't make me happy? Well, a lot of things don't make me happy. What makes me sad? Well, a lot of things make me sad. Should I write about all of them? Maybe. I think I'll write about one today. What makes me sad? School. School makes me sad. I have realized school is not for me. It's just, not my thing. I think I used to be pretty good at it, and I didn't mind it too much, but now I hate it, and I haven't really applied myself in anything at school in a long time. So I really don't know how 'good' at school I am right now. Maybe I'm just lazy. Yes, in a sense. But, I mean, my sister is far lazier than I am, and yet she does better in school. Why? Maybe I just don't see the point in the work? That makes sense. I mean, for example, when I help my mom out in selling her house, I can see the point of the work. We paint the house to make it look nicer. Why does it need to look nicer? So it can sell easier. Oh, right. Well, why does it need to be sold? Because my mom can't afford it without my dad's salary. Oh, right. Makes sense? I think so. A little. Horribly confusing as it is, it makes a little sense. Anyway... School. Right. So, some work at school makes a little sense. Why do I have to write this essay? So I can pass the class. Why do I want to pass the class? So I can get into a college. Why do I want to get into college? So I can get a good job. Oh, of course. Wait, why do I want a good job? So I can have money, a house and a nice car. Oh! Right! Ner, of course! ... Uhm... wait. Why do I want money, a house and a nice car, again? Well, those things make you happy and mean you have a good life and are a good person. Oh...really? Uhmm...yes? No. Yes? No? Hmm. Well, I know I can be happy without those things. I don't need my computer or a car to be happy. I'm happy without my computer and happy without having a car. A house...well, I need a roof over my head. An apartment, maybe? And food. Food and shelter, the most basic of survival needs. I can be happy with only food and shelter, I know it. Can I have a good life without those things? I don't know. What's a good life? Can I be a good person without those things? I'm pretty sure having a house, nice car and money doesn't make you a good person. I know plenty of people with those things who aren't good people. Okay, so I've decided. All I really need to be happy and be good person (I'm not sure about a "good life" though) is to have food and shelter. Okay. Do I need a good job for just food and shelter? No...I could work at McDonalds for that. Maybe. Well, don't you think having a good life would be, being happy and being a good person? I think so. So yes. Do I need school to work at McDonalds? Maybe finish high school. Alright. Yes, having a nice house, money, and a nice car would be...nice. But...can't I be happy without them? Yes, I am almost positive I can. Even if it means moving to Tibet and living in a hut, I know I can.
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Sunday, October 19th, 2003
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i feel so alone right now. help me someone. hold me. i only want to cry.
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Friday, October 17th, 2003
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i'm over at daves. i'm using his mom's computer. his mom's computer has the shift key in a weird position on the left side and i HATE it. oh well. i hope you don't mind my lack of capitalization in this post. it was uber cool of dave to just leave me alone in his house while he takes a shower. s'all good. it's not like his parents are psychopathic cannibals with an agenda against fat 17 year white boys with glasses who masturbate to much.
anyway. i'm bored. and dave's in the shower. hmmm. lovely mental image, don't you think? i'd rather think about micheala in the shower. nekkid...running the soap all over her body...*cough* anyway i get to tap that and you don't ;) hehehehehehe.
i hate doug van. i bet he thinks he could have any girl he wants, but he's 'above' playing. that lil...grrr. he's short, got small hands - you know what that means, is weak, has a big ego and is an asshole. seriously, he has the hands of a five year old girl. and you know what that means. grrr. but he's a cool guy otherwise, when he's not acting like he's god of everyhing. which is...most of the time. anyway. i'm gonna go. talking to sexiest guy and sexiest girl every (next to micheala and dave, of course) evin and amber!!! whooo! is it okay to use their names in a same sentence together? oh well, i'm not gonna be awkward about it, cause i love 'em both. can't help it.
laterz.
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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
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God I'm tired of PEOPLE. All of you. ALL OF YOU. I'm not talking to one person in particular, I'm not talking to one or two people, I'm talking to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. The first thing I'd like to say is
GET OVER YOURSELF.
Okay. Phwew. Now that I've gotten a little anger out, let's continue, shall we?
Alrighty, now here's the route of my complaining: you all think you have it the worst. YOU ALL THINK NO ONE ELSE CAN UNDERSTAND. YOU ALL THINK THAT YOU ARE FEELING WORSE THAN OTHERS. How dare you? How can you possibly think that? Who the fuck do you think you are and what fucking kind of torture do you think you've been through?
Here's a girl I know. Her parents divorced when she was 10. Her mom moved to Iowa. Her mom's a drug addict and was a prostitute. Her dad remarried to a woman she considers more of a mom than her real mom. Her dad divorced her step mom and moved here. She ran away from Iowa and moved in with her dad as a runaway because her real mom still had custody. She moved out of her dad's house and into her grandparent's house because her dad wanted to have sex with her. She does all kinds of drugs, lost her virginity when she was 12 and is suicidal.
Now. If you dare say, or even think that this girl has any less of a right to be sad than you do, you are a horrible person. And I know, somewhere in the back of your mind, I know something along the lines of, "Yeah, well..." or "That's just cause..." or "She doesn't..." or "I'm worse cause..." or something. And all I have to say is: FUCK YOU. You selfish bastard, bitch, whore, fucking shit face COCK SUCKER. I'm sick of your shit. It's okay to complain, complain as much as you want, because it's venting and venting is good, just don't annoy people too much, that'll make people hate you. But don't you dare, for one minute, think that you have it worse off than anyone else, because in all likelihood you are wrong.
I am right in this, to the infinity power.
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Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
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You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.
"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."
Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.
As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
...
I'm not a vampire. :( I could retake the test and cheat so I could be a vampire, but people who do that are not cool. *cough*
...
Okay I've done it before, fuck you. :)
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rigorinothing's journal
bored.
determined.
tired.
infuriated.